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Dikkity Dikkity Dikkity!

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Lois: It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely.
Chorus: Luckily there's a family guy. Luckily a man who positively can do all the things that make us
Stewie: Laugh and Cry.
Chorus: He's a family guy.


Stewie: You there, child woman. I'll give you a shinny new dime if you roll me into the nearest lake.
Meg: Let me see if I can find you a juice box ok.
Stewie: Yes and get the lead out pudgy.

Brian: Stop the car.
Peter: Fine.
Lois: Brian don't do this.
Stewie: Is the doggie going bye bye. Quick back up.

Stewie: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: honey, it's not going to go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.

Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".

Stewie: Excellent. The weather control device is almost completed. What do you say to that broccoli... Stop mocking me!

Lois: For God's sake you've been sitting in front of the TV since you got home. Why don't you spend some time with your family.
Peter: I will. I'll just do it during the commercials and if that's wrong maybe I'm missing the point of commercials.

Lois: This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter: Bond . . . James Bond. All right Lois I'll do it

Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: . . . Can't it be both?

Peter: I ought to just give you some beer, it goes right through you.
Stewie: Wonderful. While were at it why don't we just light up a doobie and watch some porn.
Peter: Ehh... yeah

(Brian and Peter are putting a crib together)
Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what..
Brian: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you!