Lois: It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV. Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely. Chorus: Luckily there's a family guy. Luckily a man who positively can do all the things that make us Stewie: Laugh and Cry. Chorus: He's a family guy.
Stewie: You there, child woman. I'll give you a shinny new dime if you roll me into the nearest lake. Meg: Let me see if I can find you a juice box ok. Stewie: Yes and get the lead out pudgy.
Brian: Stop the car. Peter: Fine. Lois: Brian don't do this. Stewie: Is the doggie going bye bye. Quick back up.
Stewie: Who the hell do you think you are? Lois: honey, it's not going to go away just because you don't like it. Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie? Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here? Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho. Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
Stewie: Excellent. The weather control device is almost completed. What do you say to that broccoli... Stop mocking me!
Lois: For God's sake you've been sitting in front of the TV since you got home. Why don't you spend some time with your family. Peter: I will. I'll just do it during the commercials and if that's wrong maybe I'm missing the point of commercials.
Lois: This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond. Peter: Bond . . . James Bond. All right Lois I'll do it
Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine. Peter: Now what? Are you coming on to me? Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy. Doctor: . . . Can't it be both?
Peter: I ought to just give you some beer, it goes right through you. Stewie: Wonderful. While were at it why don't we just light up a doobie and watch some porn. Peter: Ehh... yeah
(Brian and Peter are putting a crib together) Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B. Peter: That's what.. Brian: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you!